Film Wars

In an episode that goes on almost as long as the movie, we explore Guillermo Del Toro's Disney fanfic where Alice and Loke are pursued through the Haunted Mansion ride by the lady who turned down the role of Wasp in Ant-Man for being too love-interest-y. Beware of Crimson Peak!

We're BACK and bringing you 1995's "Mortal Kombat," a film Roger Ebert said he "wouldn't go so far as to recommend." Join us as we dissect the film's many subtle themes, such as kicking, and, like, punching.

We cover what may very well be THE LOUDEST MOVIE UNTIL MICHAEL BAY'S TRANSFORMERS FRANCHISE CAME ALONG, a cheesy remake of a cheesy 60s cheesefest: Thir13en Ghosts, in which a math professor fails to notice that his teenage daughter is actually almost 30. I guess the title isn't the only thing that fails at math...

Now let us never speak of Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw ever again.

Stanley Kubrick's 1980 classic "The Shining" marks the second film we've watched that was probably at least partially made as an excuse for the filmmakers to dick around in a cool hotel for a couple of weeks. Amy complains a fair bit about the odd screeching violin noise the movie keeps making.

Amy has us revisit a childhood classic for many an 80s youth: The NeverEnding Story. Yes, that's how it's written, with the capital E in the middle. Shut up. Let's take a trip down memory lane and see if we can't figure out why online therapy is so popular amongst the xennials.

Our first foray into foreign films (say that six times fast) mostly involves Amy sighing in frustration as she is subjected to an animated 70s sci-fi film that is presumably a complex allegory about power dynamics but is like 85% tits and sex.

We start 2021 off with the movie it deserves, one about idiots failing history and a world in desperate need of a time machine. Thankfully, the lovable Bill and Ted are here to make it not as terrible, since they're cute, so there's that. Amy pronounces German castle names for us!

We discuss the OG - Bram Stoker's Dracula. Francis Ford Coppola made the ultimate 90s "sexy" version of the tale, where everyone is breathing heavily, sniffing each other, and absolutely thirsty AF. Join us for the film that only needed a bunch of glitter and long awkward pauses in the conversation to morph into "Twilight."

In this episode we learn that Amy’s definition of “horror movie” is “anything that has bugs in it,” as she chooses the 1999 decidedly NON-horror re-make of “The Mummy” for her scary movie. If you look real hard, you might see a smear of blood on Brendan Fraser’s shirt, so maybe something scary happened off-screen. Here is the link to the MN Toy Posse webcast we were on: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4D-rzvoGyw You should check them out!

We’re back, y’all, and we saved the sad state of Lindsay’s mic set up so we can watch a bunch of lovable rascals save the world (spoiler alert, they do not.) Grab a box of donuts and your favorite mannequin companion and join us for the conclusion of The Umbrella Academy.

It's our 15th episode anniversary and watch out, because the sound quality on Lindsay's mic drops HARD halfway through this ep and never recovers. If you can get past that, though, we're discussing the first season of Netflix's adaptation of "The Umbrella Academy." Join us as Amy fawns over Klaus and Lindsay yells about comic books while keeping another tab open on her browser looking for a new mic. (Part 1 of 2

Your childhood may have been shitty, but at least *your* grandmother didn’t neglect you to the point where a convention (covens are SO 17th century) of super obvious witches turns you into a mouse while she’s passed out under a cloud of cigar smoke. We learn Lindsay might be a witch.

Amy inflicts a WWE-backed “The Rock”-starring bro-dude action comedy? (debatable) on us which Roger Ebert gave three-and-a-half stars, possibly for not being a total flaming trash heap like the director’s first movie. Sean William Scott co-stars and he got a real purty mouth. Lindsay takes up day drinking.

We discuss the 2003 murder-mystery murder-thon “Identity” not to be confused with some other murder-mystery murder-thon called “Identity,” and - trust me - Lindsay waffles for like a solid three minutes on whether or not there’s another movie called "Identity." Alfred Molina is in this film, which is nice.

Let two fake geek girls who TOTALLY DIDN’T EVEN READ THE COMICS guide you through what Time magazine names as the 4th best X-Men movie, ranking just below "Deadpool" (yes that counts, shut up!) Spoiler alert: This movie doesn’t actually follow the comics.

This week, Lindsay makes herself sad by doing a cursory internet search on P. T. Barnum, while Amy enjoys the sexy men in their tailored silk overcoats tap dancing on the bar counter as God intended. Join us as we watch Hugh Jackman’s brave search for justice for his daughter after she’s offhandedly slighted at her ballet school! Also something about the circus.

What to you get when you cross 2 Scottish archeologists, 4 dead time-travelling assassins, 3 British bad guys, 2 panicky lab geeks, 1 bland surfer dude and 1 1/4 boring romance side plots? Ugh, is this going to be on the final? As politely as possible, this movie is a bit of a mess, but Amy loves history, romance, and one particular Scottish dude (also messes?) so she’s awfully forgiving.

If you’re feeling maybe your life is a little too cheerful and sane, why not join J.Lo down the Wonka Tunnel of perversion and violence that is “The Cell.” College-age Lindsay would have you know this is not trash, it is ART, but Amy from 20 years into the future is here to set the record straight. Note: To understand the obscure reference we make in this episode regarding a song about killing a bird, go here to listen: https://josephscrimshaw.bandcamp.com/track/i-feel-bad-about-what-i-did (by Amy's fav band - The Dregs)

We go back to a simpler time, when a movie featuring Tom Hardy, covered in sweat, downing an entire bag of frozen tater tots and then projectile vomiting on camera seemed like a good idea. With a blink-and-you'll-miss-most-of-it pace and a main character who is basically a super-powered sentient tapeworm, how could you not love Venom. Lindsay will tell you how.