Unbuckled, with Intimacy Architect Christi Anne Bela

This is the last episode of this season. My 64th episode of the Unbuckled podcast. Fresh and in real time, I share about life as it unfolds, what I am learning from my Mother-In-Law's visit, how I am navigating grief and most important the downloads I have been getting about Jesus Christ, spirituality, the connections to the divine feminine and the roles we play as Mothers and Whores. Its truly open and transparent conversation with you my dear listeners. I hope with this episode, as with all the shows I have had the pleasure of doing, you are all to know you are not alone, you have permission to unbuckle yourself from any and all things that no longer serve you, you are loved, you are worthy, your challenges are opportunities and you can navigate building a life you love.

Processing the death of my Grandma and reflecting on the healing of my Mother Wound, as I navigate relationships with other Women in my life.

STARS is an acronym for Sexual Health, Turn on's, Avoids, Relationship Intentions & Safer Sex Etiquette. It is a big part of communication in a consent based sex positive culture. It is my hope to highlight the ways in which you can flirt and have fun while getting honest about what you are interested in and open to exploring. Matheo, a friend of a friend, here visiting in Nashville, who I had just met a few day before, is a sexual educator and advocate for sex positivity in Portland, OR. Since we had hit it off so well and had plans to hangout, we decided to have the start of our first date live on the podcast, in order to give the audience a look at navigating in real time the STARS talk. We discussed a lot about our sex lives, spirituality, the Christ Consciousness and other powerful ideas as we do on this show, because whatever we discuss, it all comes back to sex. STARS is a great framework to explore when you have established mutual interest and you are ready to share your desires, as you get clarity on the desires of others. It was a delight to have this raw and vulnerable moment exploring interest with a new lover. May it be an example of how to play and discover with kind curiosity.

Navigating the process of my Grandma passing on, the estranged relationship I have with my Mother & family while examining the way we play out gender roles, in both family dynamic & society. What if nipple inequality is at the root of Women being taught they are 2nd best to Men? In Nipple Inequality we see the inability to honor both Whore & Mother leads us to over- sexualizing & under appreciating Women? We look at life, death & sexism during this episode where I'm processing in real time here with you. As Brene Brown says, we are both the travelers and the map makers. I too am on a path just like you, making my way with the best tools I have to live a life I love. Thanks for being a part of this adventure as we unbuckle ways to grow together. You can also connect with us to share your questions, thoughts & more on this show, spirituality or sexuality, by joining the Pleasure of Possibility, my Independent Social Media Network. Go to https;//pleasureposse.mn.co

This episode is an unscripted raw in the moment reflection on the role of the Mother figure as my Grandma lays in hospice passing on to the next cycle of life, death and my Mom, who is estranged from me (we haven't spoke since 12/20/20) is sitting beside with her, just minutes away from me in distance, but truly far off with a vast energetic space between us. It is confusing and uneasy to be a Women, especially with the views I have gotten of the checked out, angry, Mom who is plagued with the burdensome task of bringing forth a life that will flat you for what you do, because no matter what life will happen to us and so its not uncommon to just approach things in a do what has always been done style, but it certainly makes for a painful learning curve. I am still trying to untangle and process my relationship with beauty, being a Nice Girl, Virginity, Womenhood, Mothering and Feminine mean. Tools are what are helping me navigate, so listen to the end to learn a chant Ja Ma, breathing to the belly and a guided visual meditation to honor the cycle of life from egg to womb.

The Triple Goddess is the idea of the Maiden, Mother & the Holy Whore or Priestess. Some tend to think of the Maiden as being the first, but I believe it is the Holy Whore, the Divine Priestess who engages the power of sexuality and spirit to bring forth the Goddess energy from Maiden to Mother. If there is a trilogy of the Father, Son & the Holy Spirit, I see the Holy Spirit at the top of the pyramid and I equate the Holy Whore to the Holy Spirit. It is the energy that move between worlds from spiritual to the inspired presence of the physical through our sexuality. I was traveling & in my adventures I noticed a clear appreciation for the Maiden & the Mother, but the Holy Whore, not so much. I brought this energy to the spaces I dwelled & played in, where it was meet with a mix of emotions. This episode looks at our relationship in society to the Triple Goddess & how we can observe to potentially shift the way we are engaging with the power of the Holy Whore. It is time to honor the Whore as a Priestess who provides a divine path to full embodiment & spiritual awakening, not something to have pity upon or shame, but to greet with reverence & respect for the power to merge the etherial & earthy.

This Q&A episode features answers to your questions about fantasies, swinging, communication & exploring your queerness. I love getting your questions, so keep them coming!

Join me and some dear friends who are all on their own paths of exploring open relationships. It's our first panel discussion with Poly Women. Jasmine Heart, a Tantra teacher who has helped me with pelvic floor work (& is dating my husband), knows that diving deeper into our own sensory connection can help us be more aware of everything around us. Taylor Mirror, who has been Unbuckled before when we talked about the connection of astrology and relationships, is back with us to share how she has opened up her marriage. The magic that she found in authentic presence is the magic she had been looking for her whole life. Mimi Radiance has been a wonderful support in my life and so many others with her powerful self-awareness. Exploring sexuality, the physical, spiritual, emotional portals from which the seeds of desire come from. I'm so grateful to share with you the powerful and insightful stories of these incredible Women. I believe that the awareness of navigating relationships translates beyond just Poly and is helpful in all forms of relationships, after all we are in relationship with everyone.

Fellow Intimacy Guide, Melissa D is unbuckling the Bible Belt in Austin, Texas with Somatic body work in sexuality. Clinical Hypnotherapist & Somatic Sex Educator. Head honcho of BodyJoy Intimacy School, Melissa is empowering clients to learn new ways to talk, touch and play that feel both safe and exciting. Feeling inspired to take the goal out of sexual encounters, to try new things that are so simple yet profound ways to build intimacy and closeness. She is also one of the female practitioners for The Apollo Project- Erotic Embodiment Retreat helping men regain their sexual confidence in a very sex negative world. This is something very dear to my heart, as I believe the way out of toxic masculinity is for men to come together and learn how to lovingly connect to each other. The lens of her work and approach is all about self awareness, slowing down, tuning in and moving from there. If you are looking for a technique or a trick and the truth is that incorporating the connection intelligence of the body, presence and co regulation.

Have you ever been so ready for sex and then along the way you're frustrated? Linnea Marie, Certified Sex Educator and Sexuality Coach discusses with me how to take the goal of an orgasm out of sex and focus on joy of discovering pleasure. Linnea Marie hosts private parties selling pleasure products. Her website www.exxxiteme.com and blogs provide very insightful product reviews so you can discover toys for you. Body positive, Linnea Marie knows that sex toys work different on each body type and all bodies are deserving of pleasure. I'm grateful my partners have been supportive of my sex toys as part of our experience. Together we are here to remind you that sex toys are your besties in the bedroom, they can be beneficial to the intimacy and over all relationship. Her ultimate goal is to encourage, educate, and sprinkle sex positive inclusive information everywhere.

Miyoshi Days and I both got the cliche Aunt Flow talk, treating your period like a curse. My path to discover the wonders of my Menstrual Cycle has been a gift that I value. It has provided me with the insight to flow between my natural cycle of action and rest. Miyoshi is a menstrual advocate, activist, thought leader, and founder of Hate the Dot (@hatethedot). Hate the Dot is launched a community-based online platform earlier this year, where you can access experts, educational materials, videos, and ask those questions about your body that you’re just too afraid to ask anyone else. She teaches women, girls, and menstruators how to align their self-care to their menstrual cycle and how to empower themselves through it. Listen to your body so you can be an advocate for yourself. You are your biggest advocate.

Stacie Glass, like myself, is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Her book Life after sexual abuse: a practical healing toolkit to reconnect mind, body & soul, is a reconnection to self in healing sexual trauma. Holding monthly survivor circles for support and a place to just be, she provides a space to honor your journey and where you are now. You are worthy exactly as you are and you deserve the best gifts you can give yourself. We discuss the importance of being advocates for survivors of sexual abuse and their right to live a life free of shame and guilt. Through healing sexual trauma we are able to cultivate greater self awareness and wellness. Reclaiming sexuality after sexual trauma and freeing ourselves as survivors from the shame and guilt of sexual abuse.

As someone navigating the world with PTSD, I discovered Margeaux Feldman on IG and following them, I felt a huge rise in my understanding and language around trauma. Margeaux is a writer, educator, and community builder. At the centre of their work is the desire to answer this question: In a world that works to oppress and divide us, how do we care for one another and ourselves? This is the start of a powerful conversation that has provided me with shifts in my own life and how I care for myself, as well as the way in engage with clients. As a nonbinary disabled femme living with complex trauma and chronic illness, Margeaux looks at the forms of intimacy and sexuality created by folks living with trauma and chronic illness. We discuss going beyond inner child work to supporting the inner teenager. How to build self-awareness skills, including boundary work, conflict resolution, and emotional communication in order to advocate for ourselves and others. Margeaux holds a PhD in English Literature and Sexual Diversity Studies, which is why one of my biggest take aways was around the words we use and how adjusting from healing or healthy to supportive allows space for change without judgement.

Spirituality and Sexuality may seem opposing but Carlie Palmer-Webb, The Christian Sex Educator and I know that the connection there, makes each part better. Carlie is a developmental psychologist, a gender and sexuality researcher. In this episode we discuss how to integrate your spirituality and sexuality, with self-awareness. Embracing sexuality, wherever you find yourself on the spectrum of religious or spiritual exploration, it's about developing sexual confidence and wellness, through inner trust and love. She helps Christians prepare for and develop healthy, happy, and mutually pleasurable sexual relationships. Her Honeymoon Course, is a course for Christian couples who are preparing to get married. We are all here as a result of sex. When we talk about a Sex Life, we are talking about connecting, creating, fusing, uniting, playing, however it unfolds, there is a spark of something more, the spirit, the source, the universe... again its not how you are defining it so much as how you are inviting yourself to discover something beyond your physical experience.

Mamie the Intimacy Coach has always been fascinated by sexuality. I noticed her IG @Southern_Sex_Ed and realized, YES! We are both talking about sex in cities and places where this hadn't been a conversation or it is happening in a very limited way. I believe that trusting there is room for all of what gives you pleasure and there is someone else who loves what you love, but we only find them by talking about sex. Let's get to De-Shamifying. Learn to not yuck the yum! Give yourself permission to like the things you like and allow room for other people to like whatever it is they do (among consenting adults, of course). Mamie began studying sex and intimacy, uncovering old patterns and cultivating a new, intentional landscape of sexuality and pleasure. We dive into how Inner Child work (healing, reparenting, interrupting generational trauma) plays a role in Relationship Anarchy. Located in Columbia, South Carolina, she has the privilege off holding virtual sessions with clients in other parts of the world. By having more conversations about sex especially in places where curiosity and compassion are lacking, we increase self-awareness: specifically Emotional Literacy (understanding emotional body cues in the same way we identify hunger). When we talk about sex we need to be looking at the shadow sides of trying to connect, like Frat Culture (hazing, trauma bonds as the only way to access intimate connection). Mamie says if we are paying attention to what *feels good* in sex, and all parts of life, there is greatness in the vulnerable messiness of being human. She encourages you to ask yourself: How often are we unconsciously enduring discomfort? How often are we led by pleasure?

I have a candid and interesting conversation with Evita “Lavitaloca” Sawyers a Non-Monogamy Coach about how as a society, we can get out of the default Standard Model of relationships and on to an Individualized Relationship style. As you know this is a favorite topic of mine, as I have been doing some form of Non-Monogamy for over 15 years. Evita has also lived the Poly Experience, an educator on the subject, she is the creator of “Today’s Polyamory Reminder” on IG (@Lavitaloca34 highly recommend you follow, her content is on point). Featured in the groundbreaking polyamorous documentary “Poly-Love, she is both frank yet empathetic. I appreciated her vulnerable openness about her own challenges in Non-Monogamy and helping others to grow. The great common thread that is being shared is how no matter your relationship style goes the first and most important relationship you have is with yourself.

Love is grand, but what to do so you don't get so drained by yelling over the dishes? When you see each other all the time, how do you still have the passionate enjoy each other? We let you in our our methods and what has worked for us as we celebrate 7 years of nesting. Marcin and I started as roommates. We knew we could nest well. This was super important to me as I have had some challenges living with other people, including my ex-husband, which is why I advocate for a you can love someone and not live with them approach. My parents were bullied into getting married before they lived together as it was the right thing to do. Well thank God we are getting rid of these outdate ideas of purity and being real about what it takes to manage a healthy living space. My darling husband Dr. Marcin Bela and I discuss the pitfalls of the escalator approach to relationships. How we really don't sweat the small stuff and the way our living together has adjusted over the scope of our relationship going from Poly to Mono and to then to an Open Design with Relationship Anarchy.

Science and Sex! Dr. Tara has the done the research to back up the spark of passion in nature. She is a tenured professor of sexual and relational communication. The host of an awesome podcast Luvbites, where I was a guest and we chatted about Tantra. This time, she is the guest and we dive in to geek out on the facts behind our sexual ideas and impulses. Normalizing sex talks with humor and style. We are part of the TED Talk club. Dr. Tara's TED Talk “Become Sexually Powerful” focuses on sexual confidence. Her research and personal experience on building sexual confidence and effective sexual communication, has shown if you aren't born with it, you can learn it. Listen in to this stimulating conversation that will provide the data along with the damn that's hot.

I had the pleasure of meeting Renee Burwell, an AASECT certified sex therapist at a meeting for Sex Positive Nashville, when we were part of the team getting it off the ground. An active member of the Association of Black Sexologist, her passion for taking to action and creating change is inspiring. We discuss the way we have both seen the evolution and helped to Unbuckle the Bible Belt here in Nashville. Renee is active in the community, an executive director of TNASH, the Tristar National Alliance for Sexual Health, where they are working to destigmatize sexual health. Founder of Pandora's Awakening, bringing the awareness that sex positivity is social justice. She has assembled a team of professionals to support mental health, sexual health, and reproductive justice. All the things you know we love and advocate for here on the show! You'll also get a chance to hear about the power of connecting to your partner and her upcoming Couple's retreat in TN, on April and May of 2022.

It can be frustrating to want to change and not know where to begin. Sherry Stirling Fernandez, a speaker, a teacher, a mentor, is a master at busting through her own challenges with self discipline and direction. Author of, Life Mastery: Personal Progression Towards an Infinite Potential, she wrote this book as a guide map for others because she has lived to experience the difference of mastering your life. Her rags to riches story has given her the tools to thrive and be a success in 8 key areas of life: Physical, Spiritual, Relationships, Education, Money, Vocation, Lifestyle and Character. Our conversation looks at the journey to happiness, what questions we need to ask ourselves to refine what matters to us and what is blocking our path. I was so inspired both by reading this book and our talk that I have incorporated tools like the assessment and reflection to my own life. Change is possible, in fact, it is the only guarantee, but sustaining and supporting yourself in the process is an act of devotion. This episode is sure to remind you that you are full of potential and it is worth the time and energy to do something for yourself.